It's bitter sweet when I struggle to fall asleep. Bitter because I'm tired and really need to sleep for my own sanity but sweet in that I can accomplish so much. I can accomplish little things here and there that I never would've gotten to during the day like answering emails and Facebook messages, applying for jobs I never would've thought to apply for, blogging (yeah already on that one), and most importantly just praying and reading the Bible. Granted I usually, by God's grace, can accomplish reading the Word during the day but it's nice to get it in again and with fewer distractions.
I am super excited for the upcoming summer months. I haven't ever given more than a few hours a day of working for God and His son Jesus Christ throughout my life but now I am changing that. This summer will be a huge change for me. Working to further God's Kingdom by giving my life to spread the gospel for a summer is something I'm excited and nervous about all at the same time. I have no greater desire than to love Jesus and share Him with the world. It's a daily struggle to make that desire evident in my life but I desire it greatly. I want Him to be the only thing I care deeply about, the only thing I search for with all of my heart, the only thing I find joy in in this life, the only thing I truly desire. I obviously love my family and friends and people in general but I want my love for them to look pathetic in comparison to my love for Christ, my beloved savior and Lord. He is better than everyone and everything I can know or have in this life. Jesus is better than all of those things. There is a video I recently saw that was called Jesus is better. It really hit home for me and showed me areas of my life that had evidence to the contrary -- that somehow I was saying, "Jesus isn't better." How dare I. How could that even be a partial truth in my life? Jesus, my precious savior, who came to earth as fully God and fully man to live a perfect, substitutionary life and die a substitutionary death, the death I deserved so that I wouldn't suffer separation from God but have eternal, perfect, unadulterated fellowship with the Father and Jesus Himself. A fellowship that starts, in part, right now. I say in part because that fellowship is not yet perfect because of my sinful body I have to live in. This same Jesus, my Beloved, is the one I struggle to surrender to everyday and give my life wholeheartedly to. I am so weak! I hate my weakness in struggling to see Him as He truly is. To seem Him as a treasure of unending worth, as infinitely worthy of praise, and as perfectly beautiful. But in my weakness His power is made perfect inside me. The weaker I am, the more I can cling to Him and see His power and how much I truly need Him. His grace is sufficient for me and I am so thankful I don't have to do it alone. He is faithful to keep me to the end, He will not let me go though I may lose sight of Him holding onto me.
I am grateful for the people God has placed in my life that point me to Christ and are a great example  for me. I needed people like that and God brought them at the right time. I went from struggling to want to go to church on Sunday mornings and sit through a service to desiring to read my Bible and gospel centered books all day, go to Bible studies as much as I could, and listen to as many sermons as I could. God took hold of my heart and showed me His irresistible grace. Showed me how much I needed Him and how lost I really was. He changed my heart in a single week and used so many people to do so. I am so grateful to know these people and thankful that God has allowed me to know them and hopefully  keep in touch with them for the rest of my time here on this earth.
I know this is all so unorganized and random but I am just writing to write. I hope and pray this summer goes well and that my time in San Diego is not wasted. That I rely on God to use me how He wills and allow Him to grow me in my relationship with Him more than I can even imagine. I hope this summer is life changing and that I am more able to discern God's will for my life after college through a better knowledge of Him and a deeper relationship with Him.

Knowing God

It's amazing how good life can be even when things aren't particularly great. Nothing exciting is going on, school is extremely stressful and difficult, I can't seem to get a job, I have trouble staying awake long enough to do homework....yet life is great. I attribute it all to God working in my life and bringing me supernatural joy. Ever since going to a conference in December God has been changing my heart drastically. I finally had the desire to turn my life over to Him and follow Christ recklessly. I no longer want to just be a "good" person, rather I want to know Jesus and know God for who He really is. I want to have a relationship with Him that surpasses everything and is more valuable to me than anything on this earth. Philippians 3:8 says,

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ. 

I desire to know my Lord and Savior in such a way; I pray for the strength and faith to continuously work towards a relationship so intimate. In drawing closer to Him I know my life will be changed in ways more drastic than I can even imagine. I know that I will find more joy, more love, and more grace and that these attributes will flow from within me. I know that I will become more like Christ and desire to obey Him simply because I want to please the Father more than any desire to sin. All of this change resulting from the Holy Spirit working in me to transform my mind and conform my will to the Father's. Without the Holy Spirit working in me my work would be in vain, my heart would never change, my desire to sin would trump my desire to serve the Lord, the process of sanctification in my life would stop completely.

 I am so grateful to God for the way He works in my life. He uses the message of Jesus coming as a man to live the life I could not live and die the death I deserved to die to draw me to Him. Without Christ's sacrifice my life is nothing. Without His work on the cross, I would not and could not come to know the Father. He deserves my whole life and I desire to give it to Him to use as He desires. I want to share with the world what an amazing gift I've been given in Christ Jesus. John 17:3 says, 

This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.

Jesus dying on the cross and being raised to life made this possible. Without His sacrifice eternal life would be completely out of reach. To know God and Jesus is eternal life. One day I will be able to know God without all of my human limitations and it will be an eternity of unadulterated communion with Him. An eternity of knowing God....knowing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Psalm 16:11

God is in Control

Here we Go....The perfect saying for my life. I just let go and hope for the best. You may be wondering, "For what did he let go of and hope for the best?" Well, I'll tell you. I applied for 15 internships this summer from 4 different companies, and I didn't (to my knowledge) get a single one. I only got one interview and that was a week ago and I haven't heard back since. Basically, I just applied and hoped for the best and the best didn't come; at least in my mind it didn't. I constantly forget that God should be in control of my life. I always try to plan everything my way and it hardly ever turns out. I need to remember that God is in control and that He has a better plan. Right now I can't see how not getting a job in the engineering field and working in the restaurant business for the summer is better for an engineering major, such as myself, but apparently it must be. There is something that I am missing and I am positive that it will be revealed to me later in life. I can't think of any reason now but there must be one. I know He will somehow work everything out. Maybe I am worrying much too soon and will get a call tomorrow with a job offer. It's doubtful but it could happen. Well, I hope I can keep the faith and realize God's plan trumps my plans any day.

Breeding Failure

It seems to me that I don't usually get what I want in life. That's not a huge deal but it doesn't seem to change. Its a continuous string of disappointments that rule my life. I don't have enough money, I don't get an internship I wanted; small things like that. The last is the most recent disappointment. I applied for an internship to NASA at White Sands Missile Range a few months back and was waiting until mid to late April for any news on whether I was chosen or not. I wasn't expecting to get it because its NASA and they only chose a few people each year but I was somewhat hopeful nonetheless. I learned that a guy who was initiated into an engineering honor society with me last night and a girl already in that honor society, both got that internship to NASA. I was happy for them but at the same time very pissed off that I didn't get it. I have good enough grades and was in the running for being in this honor society that only accepts the top 1/8 of juniors and top 1/5 of seniors. I should know to never be optimistic in life. I broke my one rule and it bit me in the butt. I have a saying..."Optimism only leads to disappointment," and the one time I ignore it, it proves itself all too true. On a lighter note, I set a new record for the honor society by getting the most signatures from faculty. The old record was 37 and I got 39. One of the requirements for entry into Tau Beta Pi was to get as many signatures from engineering faculty as you could. There were 105 names on the list so when I brought it back with only 39 signatures I felt like I missed the mark. Turns out I was above it. See, I was pessimistic and I was surprised when it turned out to be good. Thats how I usually live my life. Pessimism leads to surprise and joy. A new quote of mine, to be sure. I have applied for about 5 other internships but I am not too sure I'm going to get any of them. I have a funny way of breeding failure even though I try my best. I try my best at everything I do and I fail anyway. You may say that Thomas Edison failed hundreds of times before he got a working lightbulb. Well I am failing to even get to a point where I can get the chance to make a lightbulb. I won't give up, of that I am sure, but I won't be optimistic about the future. My future is so dark I have to wear night vision googles.

Are college students....

Supposed to be innovative thinkers? Are we supposed to be the smartest people of our age group around? I have no idea..... I always thought college students were sooo smart but I'm sitting here, as a college student, feeling like the dumbest person ever. I'm not working on some project that's making me feel like an innovator. I'm struggling with my statics homework and wondering how I'm supposed to be an engineer that wants to work on the cutting edge. Maybe I'm not cut out for being a researcher but being some lame office worker who happens to have a useless Bachelors Degree in Engineering. Is there a certain point where I'm going to feel like I know enough to be a professional Engineer? I realize I am going to have to get my Masters to really become anything in the engineering field but really, when am I gonna make a difference in the world. Students at MIT are already smarter than I'm ever going to be so what's the point of trying to surpass them? Most of us students are never going to amount to anything like a Bill Gates or a Mark Zuckerberg yet we try anyway...in vain it seems like. I don't know, maybe I am supposed to just be motivated by this fact and try even harder but its having the opposite effect so far.

College Life

College life for a real student is not very fun. Sure you get to have fun days in class and such but these days are overshadowed by the ugly, despicable, rotten days of tests, long lectures, and homework up the wazoo. High school is heaven compared to this and I wish I had enjoyed it more. Most high schoolers don't realize how great they really have it. And I know one day I will wish I was back in college because life after this is nothing but work and bills, work and bills. Thats it. I guess I better sit back and enjoy.

Summer

So i have not blogged since the end of school which was a little over a month ago. Mr. Mays would be so proud i actually remembered!!! So this summer is not all that i wanted it to be yet and its not exactly been all fine and dandy. Its been rough. Things happened that just hurt me to the bone. I mean they hurt but im getting over it. There is no use in dwelling on it because it just gets worse and worse if you do that. So im just gonna hope the rest of the summer goes by quickly so i can get back to my friends and just enjoy senior year. Hopefully it will be a fun rest of the summer and a great senior year.