It's bitter sweet when I struggle to fall asleep. Bitter because I'm tired and really need to sleep for my own sanity but sweet in that I can accomplish so much. I can accomplish little things here and there that I never would've gotten to during the day like answering emails and Facebook messages, applying for jobs I never would've thought to apply for, blogging (yeah already on that one), and most importantly just praying and reading the Bible. Granted I usually, by God's grace, can accomplish reading the Word during the day but it's nice to get it in again and with fewer distractions.
I am super excited for the upcoming summer months. I haven't ever given more than a few hours a day of working for God and His son Jesus Christ throughout my life but now I am changing that. This summer will be a huge change for me. Working to further God's Kingdom by giving my life to spread the gospel for a summer is something I'm excited and nervous about all at the same time. I have no greater desire than to love Jesus and share Him with the world. It's a daily struggle to make that desire evident in my life but I desire it greatly. I want Him to be the only thing I care deeply about, the only thing I search for with all of my heart, the only thing I find joy in in this life, the only thing I truly desire. I obviously love my family and friends and people in general but I want my love for them to look pathetic in comparison to my love for Christ, my beloved savior and Lord. He is better than everyone and everything I can know or have in this life. Jesus is better than all of those things. There is a video I recently saw that was called Jesus is better. It really hit home for me and showed me areas of my life that had evidence to the contrary -- that somehow I was saying, "Jesus isn't better." How dare I. How could that even be a partial truth in my life? Jesus, my precious savior, who came to earth as fully God and fully man to live a perfect, substitutionary life and die a substitutionary death, the death I deserved so that I wouldn't suffer separation from God but have eternal, perfect, unadulterated fellowship with the Father and Jesus Himself. A fellowship that starts, in part, right now. I say in part because that fellowship is not yet perfect because of my sinful body I have to live in. This same Jesus, my Beloved, is the one I struggle to surrender to everyday and give my life wholeheartedly to. I am so weak! I hate my weakness in struggling to see Him as He truly is. To seem Him as a treasure of unending worth, as infinitely worthy of praise, and as perfectly beautiful. But in my weakness His power is made perfect inside me. The weaker I am, the more I can cling to Him and see His power and how much I truly need Him. His grace is sufficient for me and I am so thankful I don't have to do it alone. He is faithful to keep me to the end, He will not let me go though I may lose sight of Him holding onto me.
I am grateful for the people God has placed in my life that point me to Christ and are a great example  for me. I needed people like that and God brought them at the right time. I went from struggling to want to go to church on Sunday mornings and sit through a service to desiring to read my Bible and gospel centered books all day, go to Bible studies as much as I could, and listen to as many sermons as I could. God took hold of my heart and showed me His irresistible grace. Showed me how much I needed Him and how lost I really was. He changed my heart in a single week and used so many people to do so. I am so grateful to know these people and thankful that God has allowed me to know them and hopefully  keep in touch with them for the rest of my time here on this earth.
I know this is all so unorganized and random but I am just writing to write. I hope and pray this summer goes well and that my time in San Diego is not wasted. That I rely on God to use me how He wills and allow Him to grow me in my relationship with Him more than I can even imagine. I hope this summer is life changing and that I am more able to discern God's will for my life after college through a better knowledge of Him and a deeper relationship with Him.

Knowing God

It's amazing how good life can be even when things aren't particularly great. Nothing exciting is going on, school is extremely stressful and difficult, I can't seem to get a job, I have trouble staying awake long enough to do homework....yet life is great. I attribute it all to God working in my life and bringing me supernatural joy. Ever since going to a conference in December God has been changing my heart drastically. I finally had the desire to turn my life over to Him and follow Christ recklessly. I no longer want to just be a "good" person, rather I want to know Jesus and know God for who He really is. I want to have a relationship with Him that surpasses everything and is more valuable to me than anything on this earth. Philippians 3:8 says,

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ. 

I desire to know my Lord and Savior in such a way; I pray for the strength and faith to continuously work towards a relationship so intimate. In drawing closer to Him I know my life will be changed in ways more drastic than I can even imagine. I know that I will find more joy, more love, and more grace and that these attributes will flow from within me. I know that I will become more like Christ and desire to obey Him simply because I want to please the Father more than any desire to sin. All of this change resulting from the Holy Spirit working in me to transform my mind and conform my will to the Father's. Without the Holy Spirit working in me my work would be in vain, my heart would never change, my desire to sin would trump my desire to serve the Lord, the process of sanctification in my life would stop completely.

 I am so grateful to God for the way He works in my life. He uses the message of Jesus coming as a man to live the life I could not live and die the death I deserved to die to draw me to Him. Without Christ's sacrifice my life is nothing. Without His work on the cross, I would not and could not come to know the Father. He deserves my whole life and I desire to give it to Him to use as He desires. I want to share with the world what an amazing gift I've been given in Christ Jesus. John 17:3 says, 

This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.

Jesus dying on the cross and being raised to life made this possible. Without His sacrifice eternal life would be completely out of reach. To know God and Jesus is eternal life. One day I will be able to know God without all of my human limitations and it will be an eternity of unadulterated communion with Him. An eternity of knowing God....knowing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Psalm 16:11